How to Turn Cocaine Boring

Snapshot of the coked-up bear from the movie Cocaine Bear.

Universal Pictures

Snapshot of the coked-up bear from the movie Cocaine Bear.

Kieran Murphy, Sports Editor


If you can mess up a movie about a bear on cocaine, then I wholeheartedly believe that you should be blacklisted from every studio in Hollywood. It’s one of those ideas that just from the name alone, Cocaine Bear, almost guarantees that it will be a box office hit.

To be completely honest, I had next to no expectations for this movie, and yet I was still left feeling let down. After wanting to enjoy Cocaine Bear so much, I came to the conclusion that it was hands down, an objectively bad movie.

Now, there are three main types of bad movies, the first being the movie that is so bad that it’s good. A perfect example of this would be the beautiful chaos that is the Sharknado franchise. While they may be somewhat lacking in quality, they never disappoint, and I always enjoy watching them.

The second type are movies with a bad core idea but are executed well such as the second installment of the Knives Out franchise. The sequel was never needed and therefore set a poor foundation which ultimately drug down what was an average movie.

The third and final category, the one that Cocaine Bear falls into, is a movie with a very interesting idea but horrible execution. The base idea is great. A bear doing cocaine and attacking people is a golden set up, but this might be one of the worst fumbles in cinematic history, right up there with The Last Jedi.

The Good

There were very few positives from this movie. The casting choices to have O’Shea Jackson Jr. and Jesse Tyler Ferguson play leading roles was a phenomenal decision but other than that, there wasn’t really anything else that stood out. That being said, I am thoroughly sad that Ray Liotta’s career ended on such a flop as this.

Apart from some casting, the only other redeeming factor for this film was that it was only an hour and a half long, so I didn’t waste too much of my time. While there may not be many good things to say about this movie, it did also teach me one important thing about dealing with bears: “If it’s black fight back, and if it’s brown, lie down.”

The Bad

There was a lot to not like about this movie. The biggest annoyance for me however was the fact that there were roughly four different sets of characters. These groups had nothing to do with one another, and almost never intermingled except for a few minutes at the very end of the movie. Despite these groups all being attacked at the same time by the same bear, they were in completely different areas of the Chattahoochee National Forest, a forest that is over 1300 square miles.

This leads into the next big problem that I have with the movie: continuity errors run rampant throughout. For instance, after the bear breaks into the rangers station and kills everyone inside, it is last seen walking around the main room due to the other rooms being closed off. This is until the next scene back at the station as EMTs enter, where the bear is nowhere to be found until one of the EMTs opens up a random door where the bear is sitting.

Another blatant instance of the terrible continuity is when a girl who is “taken away” by the bear to its weird cave lair, which is literally just a hole in the ground that is never explained, somehow is able to get paints out of her backpack as she is being dragged away and leave a paint trail for her mother to find. This isn’t even considering how once she’s found, she has no injuries and can walk just fine after being dragged away, through a forest, by her legs, by a bear.

The Ugly

On top of the lackluster characters and almost non existent storyline, the graphics were simply bad. The over the top bloody gore was completely overdone in an attempt to blind the audience from realizing that the movie had next to nothing in terms of actual substance, such as when only minutes into the movie the first victims were attacked. In this opening scene a lady is dragged into a bush and eaten, where the writers then decided to go along with the much overused trope of having a random limb fly out of the bush and land in front of the victims friends.

Along with this, at points it felt as if the effects crew didn’t even try to make the bear look realistic. In many of the closeups on the bear it was completely obvious that it was CGI. While this may be me grasping at loose straws, it simply annoyed me that the graphic work on one bear was worse than entire droid armies in the Star Wars prequels, which came out in the early 2000’s.

For a movie that was all about a bear getting high on cocaine and killing people, Cocaine Bear left me feeling pretty low. Anyone who was within a ten foot radius of me while this movie was being released can attest that I was ecstatic about it, but ultimately, there was simply just way too much wrong with it to get over.

I personally think that it was not good enough to pay any amount of money for, even if you already have a Peacock subscription, the streaming platform it is currently showing on.

The blatant plot holes, continuity errors and complete disregard for character development leaves me with the opinion that this was, undoubtedly, the most boring thing to ever involve cocaine.